TAKE THE SHOT! TAKE THE BLOODY SHOT!

###spoiler alert – may contain wildly inaccurate and possibly offensive comments plus extreme bias. Anything that appears to be real is purely coincidental###

Tensions were running high. One nil down, the BayCity Strollers were desperately trying to find a way back into this crunch match.

Then suddenly, young Kevin Joyce found himself in acres of space and, even better, he had the ball at his feet. Looking up he could see that there were no defenders between him and the Herne Bay goal…..

The game between these two unbeaten teams had been all that the vast crowd thronging around the Sandwich Emirates Arena could have hoped for. Fast attacking “walking” football at its best from two sides who were looking for victory having drawn their two previous meetings.

The Herne Bay fans showed their appreciation by playing a game of “Walking Football Bingo”.  The origins, and indeed, the purpose of the game is obscure. Apparently, numbers are called out at random and then the phrase “…is running” is quickly added. There doesn’t seem to be any prizes for getting the call right.

Right from the off it was clear these were two well matched teams. Both teams had seven players each. Both had the same cunning plan: kick the ball into the goal more times than the other team. Please take note Arsene … err ….err…bloody Wenger (is it me or is he becoming more French by the day. I swear next press conference he will be wearing a beret with a string of onions round his neck).

Anyway, just before the break, Herne Bay scored. A couple of fouls from them were missed by the otherwise vigilant and excellent referee allowing their striker to become free. Despite clearly hand balling the ball and being miles offside he was allowed to go on. His shot was good but the BayCity Strollers keeper was ready. Defying the laws of gravity he took off and soared into the air. But then disaster happened. A freak gust of wind came from nowhere and pushed the ball past his outstretched fingers and into the net.

One nil at halftime…

The second half continued in much the same vein. However, both defences were on top and chances were few. There was a disallowed goal from Herne Bay and one of their players was sin binned by the vigilant and excellent referee.

Then came the pivotal moment…..

Young Kevin Joyce wondered what to do. He looked up. Defenders were fast converging on him. He would have no more than 3 minutes (maybe 4) before they would be all over him. He considered passing but none of his team mates were free. Then he remembered something. Words of wisdom from Coach and vigilant and excellent referee John McKellar. But what were they? He paused and considered. He looked up at the defenders. They were getting nearer now. If only he could remember! Then like a bolt out of the blue the words came to him:

“TAKE THE SHOT! TAKE THE BLOODY SHOT!”

The rest is history. 1 -1 was the result.

PS If any of this article caused offence please feel free to call 07811325810 and leave as much abuse as you want. Unless Arsene, by some chance you are reading this, and then I didn’t mean a word, I am not much older than Cech and I am free this weekend…

Lawrence Hall-Daniels